You text first. You check your phone too often, replay the last conversation in your head, and wonder if something’s changed. Maybe you even worry that you’re “too much.”

Or maybe…

You need space. When someone wants more closeness, your first instinct is to pull back. You’re not trying to be cold. Maybe you just feel overwhelmed by getting too close to your partner in your relationships, and you don’t always know how to explain that.

If this feels familiar, there’s a good chance you’re in an anxious and avoidant attachment dynamic. And while it can feel confusing or even hopeless at times, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. But it does mean that it needs care, understanding, and maybe some healing work. Let’s unpack what’s really going on underneath the push-pull dynamic, and how to move toward something more secure.

What Are Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles come from early life experiences, usually with caregivers. The way we were comforted (or not), how emotionally available the caregivers were, and how arguments take place are a few examples of what influences how we connect in adult relationships. Two common insecure attachment styles are:

Anxious Attachment: People with this style had “hot-and-cold" caregivers. They often worry about their partner pulling away. They crave closeness and reassurance, and might feel extra sensitive to shifts in tone, texts, or behavior. Underneath it all? A fear of being abandoned.

Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant individuals usually value independence and can feel smothered by too much emotional closeness. It’s not that they don’t care. Their caregivers were typically emotionally unavailable, so closeness can feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or even threatening.

These attachment styles show up a lot in adult relationships. When paired together, it can create a cycle that’s hard to break.

If you’re interested in learning more about attachment theory, check out our blog post on understanding your attachment style for healthier relationships.

Why Anxious and Avoidant Attachments Are Drawn to Each Other

So, why do anxious and avoidant people often end up together? It sounds counterintuitive, but it’s actually common. One partner wants more closeness. The other needs more space. It becomes a pattern: one reaches, the other retreats. For the anxious partner, the avoidant’s distance confirms their worst fear: They’re not loved enough. For the avoidant partner, the anxious person’s pursuit confirms they’ll never have enough space.

This creates a loop that feels intense. But what’s really happening is a reenactment of early attachment wounds. That intensity feels familiar for both, and that’s why people with these attachment styles are drawn to each other. However, this does not necessarily make that loop healthy!

Signs You’re in an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship

If you’re not sure whether this is your dynamic, here are a few things to look out for:

The closeness-distance cycle: In anxious-avoidant dynamics, moments of connection can feel intense which can often lead the avoidant partner to needing space. This can trigger the anxious partner’s fear of disconnection, leading them to become clingier, which in turn may cause the avoidant partner to pull away even further. Then the cycle continues!

Feeling “too much” vs. “not enough”: The anxious partner might feel like they're always reaching out or initiating conversations, while the avoidant may feel overwhelmed by the intensity, needing more distance to feel regulated. This can lead to misunderstandings on both sides.

Miscommunication: Anxiously attached individuals often crave deeper and more meaningful conversations, while avoidantly attached partners may struggle with vulnerability and prefer to keep things surface-level.

Emotional burnout: When the concerns about closeness, boundaries, or unmet needs come up repeatedly, it can leave both the anxious and avoidant partner feeling drained, frustrated, etc. about improving the relationship dynamic.

Feeling unsafe or unsure: Anxious partners may feel more on edge or become worried about rejection and abandonment. Avoidant partners might feel chronically pressured or misunderstood. This can lead to an emotional push-pull dynamic.

Clashing conflict patterns: In conflict, avoidant partners may shut down or walk away to help regulate themselves. On the contrary, anxious partners may escalate efforts to resolve things immediately, seeking reassurance or clarity. This difference can lead to more distance instead of relationship repair.

Feeling misunderstood: The avoidant partner might feel smothered or criticized, while the anxious partner may feel hurt when the connection they are seeking is ignored or minimized.

Distrust: Anxiously attached individuals tend to feel reassured when they are in frequent communication with their partner and know what their partner is doing. Avoidantly attached individuals often view these needs as intrusive or smothering, causing them to pull back. The anxious partner may then interpret this withdrawal and lack of reassurance as secrecy, which causes them to double down on their desire for that transparency and communication. This causes a cycle of distrust.

Watch out for texting habits too, as they can also be a giveaway. The anxious partner might be glued to their phone, while the avoidant partner might dread opening theirs

The Push-Pull Cycle: How It Feels from Both Sides

This dynamic can be really painful and isolating for both partners. Here’s what it might look like from the inside:

For the Anxious Partner:

Feels “needy” and ashamed of needing reassurance

Constantly overthinks or walks on eggshells

Feels hurt when the avoidant partner pulls away

Might blame themselves for the disconnect

For the Avoidant Partner:

Feels overwhelmed and misunderstood

May shut down emotionally when things feel too intense

Often feels guilty for needing space, but still needs it

Might fear losing themselves in the relationship

Each person is doing what they know, but the coping mechanisms that once protected them are now clashing.

Healing the Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic: What Actually Helps?

If this sounds like your relationship, take a breath. This doesn’t mean it’s unfixable. But it does mean both partners have to be willing to understand themselves (and each other) more deeply. Here’s where to start:

1. Get Curious About Your Own Attachment Style

Awareness is the first step! Understanding where your patterns come from helps you respond with compassion instead of reactivity. For example, you can identify your attachment style with different quizzes on the internet as a starting point. We offer a free attachment style quiz from The Cognitive Corner, which usually takes up to 10 minutes to finish. To access it, feel free to follow our Instagram and ask for it in our DMs:

2. Talk About Triggers Before They Happen

Have conversations about needs and space when things are calm. Don’t wait until someone’s already shut down or spiraling. Understanding each other’s triggers can help prevent unnecessary hurt and miscommunication.

Avoidant triggers often include feeling pressured to talk when they’re not ready, being overwhelmed by intense emotions, or sensing that their independence is being threatened. They may shut down or withdraw when they feel emotionally flooded.

Anxious triggers often show up when there’s a perceived lack of responsiveness—like unanswered texts, emotional distance, or physical withdrawal. Silence or space can feel like abandonment, which can lead to panic, over-checking or over-pursuing.

Knowing these patterns ahead of time allows you both to respond with more empathy —and to co-create strategies that protect the relationship when tension arises.

3. Create Connection Rituals

This could be a check-in call, a weekly date, or even a shared playlist. Consistency builds safety for both people.

4. Learn How to Navigate When You Fight

When you fight, try to build new habits:

For the avoidant: If the fight feels too intense, try not to walk away silently. Instead, reassure your partner that you love and respect them, but need some space right now and promise to come back soon (ideally 30 minutes to a couple of hours)

For the anxious: When your avoidant partner asks for that space, try to be respectful and give them that space (It can feel intense at first due to feelings of being abandoned, but it gets better when you are actively working on how you manage these emotions.) Agree on a time to reconnect and continue the discussion. In the meantime, practice self-regulation techniques like deep breathing, holding an ice pack, or eating sour candy to calm your nervous system and feel more in control of your emotions once you revisit the issue with your avoidant partner.

5. Balance Closeness and Space

It’s okay to want different things. The key is compromise: the anxious partner learns to self-soothe during space; the avoidant partner learns to stay present during emotional moments.

Remember: It’s a Two-Way Street. It’s not about fixing one partner. Both people are impacted, and both contribute to the pattern. Healing happens together.

When to Consider Therapy for Attachment Healing?

If you’ve tried to change the cycle and still feel stuck, that’s okay. This is deep stuff and it can be hard to untangle alone. When attachment issues show up, you might feel intense fears of abandonment or rejection, shut down emotionally, struggle to trust others or find it hard to regulate your emotions.

Therapy can be especially helpful when these patterns spill into your romantic relationships, friendships, family life, or even work dynamics (and they often do).

Working with a therapist who understands attachment can help you feel truly seen, heard, and supported — something that’s hard to access in the middle of conflict. Therapy also provides the tools and safe space to shift those old patterns and build healthier, more secure connections.

At TCC, we provide individual therapy for relationship challenges as well as couples therapy. Check out our team of social workers, counsellors, and psychologists serving clients across Canada — 15-minute consultation is complimentary.

We also offer a therapist-matching tool to help you easily find your best fit.

TL;DR: Anxious and Avoidant Attachment in Relationships:

Anxious and avoidant attachment styles often create a push-pull dynamic that feels intense but unstable.

These patterns are rooted in early experiences. However, they are totally changeable with the right effort and support.

Understanding your style and your partner’s is the first step to breaking the cycle.

Therapy, honest communication, and consistency are key tools for healing.

Conclusion:

You don’t need to keep repeating the same relationship story. Managing a relationship with anxious-avoidant attachment styles at play can be overwhelming, but it is doable. With a little self-awareness and support from the right places, it’s absolutely possible to move toward a more secure and connected partnership together. Healing begins when both partners commit to understanding their patterns and taking small, consistent steps toward change.

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