“We asked 100 Psychologists, “what is trauma bonding?””

“It’s bonding over trauma, Steve.”

“Bonding over trauma? Survey says:”

Contrary to what TikTok might say, trauma bonding is not bonding over trauma.

This post is going to help you break down what trauma bonding and bonding over trauma are (which is not each other), why people mix them up and how to handle being in either situation.

What is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding describes the unhealthy attachment an individual can form with their abuser. It involves a cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement, like a push and pull. Many people in trauma bonds view the positive reinforcement they receive from their abuser as the light at the end of the tunnel. If they could be kind once, maybe they’re capable of being kind forever, or at the very least, again.

Abusive people manipulate their victims by demeaning, devaluing and harming them repeatedly, then throwing them a rope. Sometimes the rope could be as short as simply grabbing them a coffee, sometimes it could be as long as nursing them back to health. These shows of care, as well as dozens of other factors, make it extremely difficult for the abused to escape their abuser, both physically and mentally.

what is trauma bond cycle — This is what a typical trauma bond cycle may look like.

What are signs of trauma bond?

If you’re wondering what a trauma bond looks like, here are some common signs that you – or someone you know – is stuck in that cycle:

The victim forgives things they typically wouldn’t.

The abuser isolates the victim from their loved ones and community.

The victim hides things about the relationship from their loved ones.

The victim blames themself for their abuser’s actions.

The victim feels guilty or is made to feel guilty for getting upset at their abuser’s hurtful behavior.

The victim feels consistently confused and destabilized during the relationship.

The victim’s mood becomes dependent on the mood or behaviours of their abuser.

Kudos to you if you already knew this, but for most people on the internet, this is brand new information. So why does almost everyone have it wrong? And what has everyone been describing this whole time?

Why Does Everyone Get the Meaning of Trauma Bonding Wrong?

Like many psychology concepts on social media, “trauma bonding” gained popularity outside of its clinical application. People knew what it was before they knew what it meant. And, like most concepts that people learn on social media, people made up their own definitions.

Many people, especially in Gen Z, find trauma relatable and build connections based off similar traumatic experiences, so, when they heard the phrase “trauma bonding”, they just assumed that it had to have something to do with bonding over trauma (which is honestly not a bizarre assumption to make because they do share all the same keywords).

However, just to be very clear, bonding over trauma is its own concept entirely with its own caveats.

Bonding over trauma is frequently used to make a relationship more intimate and strengthen connections, however, it can also lead to heavy, draining and intense relationships, which is why it’s really important to be mindful of how and when you use it.

Healthy Ways to Bond over Trauma

Boundaries: The most important step when bonding over trauma is to have boundaries with the individual you are sharing with. It is tempting to open up about so much, especially when you feel like the person can get you in a way no one else can, but there are some things you’re better off waiting until the third hangout to spill.

Evaluating relationship: Yes, this person now knows – and relates to – some of your deepest, darkest secrets, but do they even know your birthday? Close, long-lasting relationships do not form overnight. Even when you feel a strong connection, it’s still important to understand that intimacy only grows stronger as time passes and pouring your trauma out into the open isn’t a cheat code.

Seeking therapy: A lot of the time, your need to bond over trauma and pour out your trauma comes from a lack of feeling seen. Therapy can be an extremely effective avenue to help you process and live with your trauma and to help you learn more about the you that exists independent of what you’ve been through. If you’re in Canada, check our team of counsellors, social workers & psychologists accepting virtually & in-person in Calgary, AB 🇨🇦

Now, for trauma bonding;

How Does One Heal from Trauma Bonding?

The first, and hardest, step towards your healing journey is being free from your abuser. Not just physically, but also mentally. It is incredibly important to leave an abusive situation once it is safe to do so, but physically leaving is only the tip of an extremely intimidating iceberg. While it is much easier said than done, there are some avenues you can explore to help the process of mentally leaving as well.

Having an outsider perspective: Abusers are talented at warping your world view. Things that you otherwise would never accept are now part of your norm. It is important to have someone outside of your relationship with your abuser to remind you that you’re not losing your mind and you deserve better. Sometimes, the outsider could even be your future self. By keeping tangible, referenceable notes of your feelings and experiences, whether by journaling, making voice memos or recording yourself, you give yourself the ability to evaluate your situation with a much more objective lens in the future.

Prioritize yourself: Abusers prey on the kindness and empathy of their victims. Kindness and empathy are immensely valuable traits, but, just as it is important to be empathetic and kind to others, it is just as, if not more, important to be empathetic and kind to yourself. Offering yourself the understanding and grace you extend to others will help you see how much better you deserve and can make it easier to begin the process of accepting that same care and compassion from someone who is able, and consistently willing, to give it to you.

Getting therapy: A licensed professional can help you not only see the pattern of abuse you are experiencing but also help you process it and recommend options for escaping the situation. They are able to equip you with not just coping skills to help you out of the abusive situation, but methods to help you adapt to your new norm outside of it and to keep you out of it. Check some affordable therapy options in Canada.

TLDR:

Trauma bonding = An unhealthy attachment to an abuser, fueled by cycles of abuse and brief moments of “kindness” that make it hard to leave. Healing requires leaving safely, gaining outside perspective, prioritizing self-compassion, and seeking therapy.

Bonding over trauma = Connecting with others through shared traumatic experiences. This can build intimacy but can also become draining. Healthy bonding requires boundaries, pacing relationships, and processing trauma in therapy instead of oversharing too soon.

Why the mix-up? The term “trauma bonding” spread online and got misused to mean bonding over trauma, but clinically they’re very different.

References:

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/basics/trauma-bonding

https://www.verywellmind.com/trauma-bonding-5207136